Phil and Claire get the dreaded late night call that Haley has been arrested for under-aged drinking, so they bring Mitchell, the family lawyer, in tow to the police station. Cameron stays back to watch over Alex and Luke, but they get into some crazy mishaps under his care. Meanwhile, Jay gets out of baby shopping with Gloria, but ends up having to deal with a surprise visit from Dede, and tries to scoot her out before Gloria gets home to prevent Dede from seeing that she's pregnant and to avoid the potential blow back.
Synopsis
Claire and Phil get a call in the middle of the night. Haley has been arrested for underage drinking at school. They move quickly to get dressed and call Mitchell to help them in case Haley needs a lawyer. That leaves Cameron to deal with Alex and Luke. Cam automatically assumes Claire doesn't trust him with three kids and when they call Jay to tell him, he wonders why they don't get a real lawyer, not someone who defends pandas.
JAY: Haley needs someone who knows criminal law! Like Perry Mason!
MITCHELL: So I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?
And Gloria telling Claire to "take a lot of cash, and when you flash it to the police, do NOT speak about it." Claire has no problem taking her time, given she wants Haley to sit in jail for a while and she was ticked Phil was being so calm about everything...except for the fact they passed several waffle places on the way up and hadn't had breakfast.
Cam's first mistake in taking care of the kids? Trying to tell them Haley won a big award and their parents went up to congratulate her. Lily blabbed, but even she knew it was only a matter of time. The second mistake? Picking the wrong time to go on a vegan cooking kick and serving bacon made of soy.
CAMERON: It's facon. Well, it's faux facon. So it's fauxcon.
MITCHELL: It's fauxcon disgusting.
And Alex agrees, although Luke loves it. Except for the little problem of Luke being highly allergic to soybeans. And now Cam has to drag three kids to the hospital. After he hangs up the phone with Mitchell, whom he was about to boast that Luke loved the faux facon.
Jay wasn't getting out of a rough day, either. His ex-wife, DeDe, was passing through town and wanted to pick up an old photo album. Jay didn't want her to know Gloria was pregnant because DeDe hung on to that one last thought she was the mother of his kids, not Gloria. DeDe arrives and makes Jay's day a living hell. Of course, Gloria has to come back from stroller shopping (which she couldn't get Jay to accompany her to), and Jay steadied himself for the inevitable violence. Given DeDe's track record in the past with Gloria, it was understandable. But all DeDe did was laugh. Now that Gloria was pregnant, he would have to raise a kid instead of having smooth sailing with his hot young wife. And it turns out, Gloria and DeDe bonded quite well over Jay-bashing. Perhaps too well, because DeDe couldn't stop talking about how he never helped her with Claire and Mitchell. That got Gloria upset. But Jay told her the reason he didn't help back then because he was working his tail off to provide food and shelter. DeDe and he were living paycheck to paycheck. But now that Jay had lots of money and much more time on his hands, he promised to help with everything. He even told her he wanted to get a silver stroller. Naturally, Gloria picked the green one.
It turned out they wouldn't need Mitchell's high scores from the Bar Exam since they simply had to post bail, although Haley was also booked for assaulting an officer. Well, landing on him as she escaped the party the cops busted. Haley was taking it all in stride, not even caring she had a university disciplinary board review to attend. Phil loses it.
PHIL: You're not the victim here. You're the one who screwed up! You make one bad decision after another, and now you're about to blow everything your mother and I worked so hard to give you! And the worst thing is, you don't seem to care! We all got up at three in the morning to come bail you out of jail! We haven't eaten a thing! And do you know what we haven't heard from you yet? "I'm sorry, Mom." "I screwed up, Dad." "Please forgive me." Now put on some real clothes, and we will see you at the hearing. And don't be late!
HALEY: Where are you going?
CLAIRE: To buy that man a waffle!
At the hospital, Cameron is faring only slightly better. He got Luke a shot for his allergy, but he may want to inform Luke why hospital gowns tie in the back, not the front. Alex is ticked she isn't in school, but out-thinking a group of med school students encourages her to get an education at the hospital. That is, until she faints at watching a C-section take place. (ALEX: Now I know I'll never be a doctor...or ever have a baby.) But somehow Cameron gets them all home, and he feels so much better when Alex tells him Claire actually thinks he's a great parent.
At the discipline hearing, things aren't going well. Mitchell can't help, and the student rep is someone who gets ignored all the time in their Econ class. Plus, he's clearly a descendant of Niedermayer from Animal House. Haley, still stunned by Phil's speech earlier, starts admitting her faults. All of them, like missing morning classes and lifting the scale with her pinky finger when weighing her salad at the cafeteria. But at least now she knew she had screwed up and was prepared to make things right.
GLORIA: Making a child is the easy part. The hard part is everything else. Keeping them safe, making sacrifices for them, and standing by them, even when they let you down.
And Haley had two really good parents, who still hugged her as they took her things back to their house after she was expelled from college. But Haley vowed to buckle down and get serious. She even found Phil's keys on her makeup table.
CLAIRE: Oh, honey. That's a desk.
Guest Starring
- Shelley Long as Dede Pritchett
- James McCauley as Dean Miller
- Joe Adler as Aiden Schwartz
- Jay Harik as Police Officer
- Scott Beehner as Doctor
- Carlton Curington as Orderly
- Emily Liu as Nurse
Continuity
- We see flashbacks of Dede and Gloria fighting in "The Incident" and "Princess Party".
Cultural References
- Cam claims he is watching a Lifetime Original Movie starring Amanda Bynes.
- Haley references the film Legally Blonde.
- Mitch calls Cam "Felix" when he starts cleaning up, a reference to The Odd Couple.