"Not in My House" is the twelveth episode from Season 1 of Modern Family, it aired on January 13, 2010.

Plot Summary

When Claire finds a dirty picture on the computer and assumes it's Luke's doing, a guilty Phil doesn't necessarily correct her. Gloria disagrees over Jay's beloved life-sized dog butler statue, and Cameron gets sucked into their gardener's woes, much to Mitchell's chagrin.

Episode Description

At Claire and Phil's, things are routine. Phil is ordering a the morning. Haley accuses Alex of looking through her journal, and Claire has some porn on her laptop. Apparently, a picture of a woman on a tractor (a combine, according to Phil) who was topless. She suspected Luke of the crime, but Phil was the actual culprit and hasn't 'fessed up yet. He's waiting for Claire to calm down about it first. Phil insists on talking to Luke about it, rather than having Claire go at him. And Phil follows through. He talks to Luke about seeing things on the computer...and asks Luke how to delete them.

Jay likes to hit Vegas and decided not to take his "house money" and dump it back into the casino or see a show. He bought a six-foot dog dressed in a tuxedo who holds your mail and keys. It's Barkley the Butler. Gloria hates it, since is scares the hell out of her every time she passes it.

Mitchell and Cameron are going to see the Russian Marionettes. Cameron prefers his favorite childhood memory over Mitch's marionettes, the 3rd largest water slide in the country near his boyhood home in Missouri. Before they go, they have to take care of the crying gardener. They, meaning Cameron. He knows a little Spanish, but apparently telling the gardener to 'sit down' translates into 'go to the bedroom.'

After Gloria tries to hide Barkley and "accidentally" cuts Barkley's coat with her bracelet, Jay is not exactly thrilled. She can't believe that he's upset with her about "a unholy cross between a man and beast," but he decides to pick a fight about the numerous pillows on their bed. Wrong strategy.

GLORIA: Oh, don't worry. It'll be a long time before I bother you again with my pillows.

Phil continues his charade with Claire about punishing Luke, even taking it to a new level. He decides to play it as "just between us men" and even manages to scam some

Mitch and Phil can't get Cesar the gardener out of their bedroom, and Mitch is getting upset that Cameron insists on trying to solve everyone's problems. Cameron cuts it off and says he'll go to the puppet show. As soon as Cesar's bride stops by the house and goes to him...and someone's parents. Mitchell goes alone to pick up Manny at his father's house, but Manny doesn't want to go to a puppet show. Mitch is having enough with Cameron already, but Jay cuts him off. Jay is out trying to fix Barkley, and he points out how lucky both of them are. He found a woman that made him happy, and Mitch found an incredibly caring guy.

JAY: Who are we kidding? We both got it good. Hell, I fight with your mom more than I fight with Gloria. We're both with people different from us and that's gonna create stuff. But you want different. Your mother and I were perfect on paper, and you know how that ended. What I got a lot better. People look at us, sure, and sometimes even I can't believe we're together. But we're happy! And at the end of the day, there's no one I'd rather come home to.

A beautiful speech...if only Jay wasn't holding Barkley's hand when he said it in full view of Gloria.

It turns out that Luke read Haley's diary while he was on the computer, but Haley took her revenge out on Alex by drawing all over her signed photo of Maya Angelou.

It turned out that Cesar was having wedding day jitters, and Mitch came home to apologize to Cameron for not liking that he cared. Cameron was extremely forgiving and thought it would be a good idea to attend Cesar's wedding. Fortunately, they didn't have to go far to see it. Just inside the house.

Luke decides to confess to Claire for looking, and Claire understands that can happen. Luke said parts of it were weird, and Claire assured him that many parts weren't real. Luke couldn't believe Haley did that. Whoops. Claire is REALLY freaked out now. It turns out that Luke was confessing about reading Haley's diary, which Claire has done as well, and Claire thought Luke was talking about looking at the topless picture. Of course, this happens in front of everybody. Now Claire demands to know who was looking at porn. That's when Phil walks in on cue. He tries to apologize.

CLAIRE: I wasn't upset about the picture, I was upset that I thought it was Luke. Haley has always been in her own world, and Alex was never really a kid, so that leaves Luke, my little baby. Is it really too much to ask to stay a sweet, innocent kid...forever?

Jay delivers Barkley to Mitch and Cameron, and Gloria follows behind asking who was getting married. Perhaps Jay shouldn't be holding Barkley's hands right front of the priest.

Main Cast

(The characters striked out do not appear in this episode)

  • Jay Pritchett
  • Gloria Pritchett
  • Manny Delgado
  • Claire Dunphy
  • Phil Dunphy
  • Haley Dunphy
  • Alex Dunphy
  • Luke Dunphy
  • Mitchell Pritchett
  • Cameron Tucker

Guest Starring


  • This is the first Modern Family episode to be written by a woman.
  • This is the first episode in which Manny is absent. This is also Barkley the Dog's first appearance.