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"Schooled" is the second episode from Season 4 of Modern Family, it aired on October 10, 2012.

Plot Summary

Phil and Claire drops Haley off at college, which is a difficult moment for any parent, but it's made worse when they manage to really embarrass Haley. Meanwhile, Manny forces Jay and Gloria to take a baby class. Mitch and Cam drop Lily off for the first day of kindergarten, but when she gets into a tussle with another little boy, they end up having a meeting with the boy's confrontational lesbian parents.

Episode Description

Everybody is gathered to wish Haley good luck as she heads off to college. Although Claire was none too happy with Mitchell for stealing some thunder and announcing Lily was starting kindergarten the next day, but Mitch couldn't see the big deal about it. (CLAIRE: Haley going to college is a miracle. Lily going to kindergarten is the law.) Perhaps they need parenting lessons from Gloria and Jay, who are taking parenting classes...Manny's suggestion...even though Jay raised two kids. Then we see Claire and Mitch fighting. I mean, ACTUAL fighting, with headlocks, hair pulling, purple nurples, the works.

JAY: Don't look at me. It's their mother's fault; I was barely around.

Phil is ready to take Haley to college, complete with three bags of hair and makeup products and a 24-pack of condoms, courtesy of Claire. (PHIL: What, are you buying her a four-year supply?) It's time to hit the road, and Haley and Alex share a hug and a sentimental moment.

HALEY: Don't dork up our room. ALEX: Don't slut up your college.

This still beats Luke, who wore a mask so they couldn't see his tears. Claire knew she would be emotional, and Phil was certain he was going to cry more. That's why Phil gave Haley a book: Phil's-osophy. All of the life lessons he's learned, such as "always look people in the eye, even if they're blind." (and that's one of the better ones)

Mitchell and Cameron drop Lily off at kindergarten, and Cam's already got the waterworks going. He figures it'll be very hard on Lily, who promptly disappeared into the playground without taking her bag. But they did find her having her hair pulled by a boy. All well and good until Cam grabs the boy and threatens him. The principal was none too happy about it and demanded Cam apologize. The principal calls the parents of the boy in, and Mitch is freaking out. Cam, however, was confident he did nothing wrong. That is until the boy's mom comes in. Or should I say moms? Even Mitchell knew this would be bad, as he explained with a Venn diagram how gay men and lesbian women have, literally, nothing in common. Mitchell tries to apologize, and that doesn't fly well with one of the moms, whereas the other mom seems far more reasonable. The principal tells them for a punishment the four parents set a play date with the kids so they can all get along. The two saner parents are on board, Cam and Pam (no, not kidding) are dragged into it kicking and screaming.

At Jay and Gloria's parenting class, their experience pays off as Gloria snags a blanket around their doll way before anybody else. The teacher didn't agree with their work. (GLORIA: I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. I think I know how to keep my baby safe.) At the other end of the parenting spectrum, Phil and Claire were doing their job to the letter: embarrassing the hell out of their new college student. Phil even had a "Haley Moving Co." t-shirt with Phil and Claire carrying a young Haley around. And they thought they still could.

The play date seemed to be going well; Lily was getting along fine with Connor, and both sets of parents thought they should be supportive of one another, being the only gay parents at the school. After all, they had so much in common. Like...OK, not a lot. Connor's birthday party wouldn't feature a clown, for example. Yeah, that went over well with Cam. (CAMERON: Maybe you just don't like them because they wear makeup.) That was enough for Pam, who went to get Connor, only he was locked in Lily's room and they refused to open the door.

After one too many interruptions, the teacher calls out Jay and Gloria and ask them to share some of their parenting experience. (JAY: It's not rocket science; it's a baby. They're hungry, you feed them. They're teething, you give them some Scotch.) They decided they had enough. And Phil was quickly turning into Phil, saying something racy to a blonde woman who was bent over picking up a box and grabbed her butt, only to discover that it wasn't Claire, but was Haley's roommate. He backtracked and apologized quickly, saying it was an innocent mistake. (PHIL: I'll prove it. Claire, turn around and show them your butt.) The My Little Pony sheets on the bed weren't helping Haley's cause either, to say nothing about Phil accidentally spilling the bag of condoms. In front of Haley's roommate's father, no less. Haley decides she can do the rest of her own, much to Phil and Claire's chagrin. But Phil still gives her the Phil's-osophy book.

Just as the parents are in a full-blown panic, Lily and Connor finally speak up, neither of whom wants to leave.

LILY: I love him!

CAMERON: No, you just love the idea of him.

With the promise to stay (and some hot dogs), Lily and Connor open the door to everyone's relief. And Cameron realized the one thing all parents had in common: they're a little crazy when it comes to the safety and well-being of their kids.

Manny called Jay and Gloria on ditching the parenting class. Manny wasn't mad; just disappointed. Actually, he was scared about raising the baby. (MANNY: What is this baby doesn't think things through? It's part-Jay.)

JAY: Hey, when you grew up, you had to be both the man of the house and the kid. I'm here. You just have to be the kid. I'm not going to let anything happen to the baby, just like I'm not going to let anything happen to you.

Haley takes in her first dinner at college and even reads Phil's book. She calls Phil and Claire and thanks them for helping her. And that she loves them and misses them. She's even wearing the "Haley Moving Co." t-shirt. And Phil and Claire can't get off the phone fast enough before they break down crying.


- Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed

- Older black ladies make the best iced tea

- Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail

- You can tell a lot about a person from his biography

- Watch a sunrise at least once a day

- If you love something, set it free. Unless it's a tiger

- If you're ever in a jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache

- When life gives you lemonade, make lemons! Life will be all like "whaaat?!"

- Take a lesson from parakeets, if you`re ever lonely sit in front of a mirror.

Main Cast

(The characters striked out do not appear in this episode)


  • Pam's first episode.
  • Haley is now in college.
  • Lily is now in kindergarten.
  • Mitchell's nicknames were: 

Guest Starring

Cultural References